


Love Lost

by banesarchangel



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bickering, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hurt Malec, Lovers To Enemies, M/M, Pain, Panic Attack( just one ), idiots are still in love, it's angsty, they just need to talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 01:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15831087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banesarchangel/pseuds/banesarchangel
Summary: Magnus and Alec dated for 5 years and have been broken up for 2. It didn't end well for either of them, neither finding the closure they needed.So, when Alec finds out Magnus works at the same place he just got his dream job at things don't really go to plan. They both are forced to confront their past head on. Or, in their case, try to ignore it as long as possible.“Alexander?” Expecting to feel the same flutter he used to when hearing his full name from Magnus, it only brought him pain, making his heart hurt against his chest.“Magnus.” He whispered back trying to find a smile, but it wasn’t worth trying, he hadn’t smiled at that name for years why would he now.





	Love Lost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [banesgiggle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/banesgiggle/gifts).



> Happy Birthday, Malee.   
> Yes, I really wrote 17k of angst just for you, I hope you enjoy it and everyone else who reads <3

Walking into Idris & Co he couldn’t stop smiling. Stepping through the doors even felt like an accomplishment. It may have taken him longer to get here than he would have liked but none of that mattered now. He was here.

Idris & Co wasn’t only the most popular journalism company in New York, but everyone wanted a job here. It was his dream since college, his dream since high school, his dream since forever ago. Finally, it was happening. Nothing could ruin his day.

Following the red-haired woman -he couldn’t remember her name- who had been placed as his guide he tried to take note of everything she was saying but his attention just kept going to things around him. Watching people work and taking in the architecture of the big building.

The wooden walls and big glass doors, everything was clean and not a thing out of place. He could have sworn there were 100’s of people working here, and he was now one of them.

The red head continued to talk as they walked telling him where all the main offices were, the staff room, what not to do, and where first starters like him liked to hang out. It was a lot of information for his overwhelmed mind to take in.

“And this is your desk.” The red head came to a stop.

It was a desk amongst many others, but he liked it. It was his and that alone made him feel special.

“Thanks,” He smiled at her but just before he got the chance to ask her what her name was she walked off going to find the boss to formally greet him.

He had talked to her over the phone but had never met her in person and sudden wave of nerves over took his mind.

While he waited he tried to distract himself by setting his desk up with his belongings. A few note pads pens and a couple photos of his friends and family and he was set.

“Hello, Alec Lightwood?”

“Hi, yes that’s me.” He smiled up at the woman he knew to be Lydia.

Standing from his seat he shook her hand.

“I’m Lydia Branwell, head office of this department. If you have any questions or problems, you come straight to me. For now, let’s just get you started on proof reading these articles.”

“Thank you, nice to meet you. I look forward to working here.” He needed to pinch himself to make sure this was all real. He was on cloud nine.

“I hope you enjoy your first day, Alec.” She smiled and walked away leaving Alec to his pile of files.

The red head had appeared again, and he thought she was going to say something to him but soon realised she was heading for someone else. “Hey Magnus.”

“Hey biscuit.”

Alec swallowed the large lump that formed in his throat. Was that? No, it couldn’t be? This wasn’t happening.

But it was. He knew that voice all too well, he remembers once when it used to bring a smile to his face and warm his heart but now it only brings him dread and a sick feeling in his stomach.

What annoyed him most was that he longed to feel his heart warmed by him again, but that was dampened by the awful way they left things 2 years ago.

2 years, he thought. Had It really been 2 years?

Of all places to see his ex-boyfriend again, it had to be at his new work place. Really, he shouldn’t be surprised this was Magnus’ dream too. That was all they talked about during the 5 years they dated at High school and college. But it didn’t even cross his mind that he might cross paths with him again.

He tried to tell himself he didn’t want to see him, he could just ignore him and hope he didn’t see him, but his head moved before his thoughts had the chance to catch up.

And then he saw him. The man he loved for 5 years, the man he used to kiss goodnight and cuddle good morning, the first man to make him feel comfortable being himself.

But as he continued to look his mind began to cloud with the memories of the man who broke his heart and shattered it whole. The man he lost.

That was the last memory he had of him. The last feeling, he had of him. The feeling of being completely replaceable, like he wasn’t good enough anymore.

That was what stayed with him after their break up, the pain, the hurt. The feeling of immense loss.

“Alexander?” Expecting to feel the same flutter he used to when hearing his full name from Magnus, it only brought him pain, making his heart hurt against his chest.

“Magnus.” He whispered back trying to find a smile, but it wasn’t worth trying, he hadn’t smiled at that name for years why would he now.

“You two know each other?” The red head made her presence known again.

“You could say that.” Magnus replied his expression holding the same his was.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The last person he had expected to see sitting across from him was Alexander Lightwood, his ex-boyfriend. The one that got away.

They were together 5 years. He thought he would marry that man and have a family with him one day. But here they were with none of that and only hurt left between them, feeling all the love lost.

The way they left things, neither of them really got the closure they needed, it all felt ripped open and raw his heart exposed to the horrible feeling of losing the one he loved the most. And had only ever loved.

Magnus didn’t know how to react, just wanting to run away. So, he did that. Well, sort of. He grabbed Clary and made his way to the Staff room slipping out onto the balcony overlooking the city

“How do you know Alec?”

“It’s a long story.” He shook his head still bewildered by what was happening. “Well sort of.” Clary frowned growing more confused by the minute.

Sighing in defeat he just let it out. She would find out eventually anyway. “Alec is my ex-boyfriend.”

“Oh.” Was all Clary managed to say back taken by surprise. “Did it end badly?”

“You could say that.” He sighed leaning his head against the wall. “Why is this happening?”

“I’m sure it can’t be that bad, right?” Magnus had to laugh because it was worse then bad.

“No, I’m pretty sure this is the worst.”

“Do you mind if I ask why?”

Magnus found a seat nearby gesturing for them to sit. This would take a while. “Alec and I dated for a long time. Started in High School and followed through to College. I was there for everything with him. When he came out, when we graduated, when his brother died, I was there through it all.” It hurt more than he thought it would thinking back to this time. It reminded him of just how strong they used to be, they made it through so many ups and downs so why not this one?

“We were fine when we were in College, well, at least for the first couple of years and then the year of graduation it all just changed. I don’t why or how, but it did.” He still remembers the nights he would feel Alec distancing himself from him or the nights they would argue over something so little and then it would turn into something that it wasn’t. “We started to argue a lot, even in public sometimes. I wish I knew why it all changed and got so messy. But to this day I still don’t know and a part of me regrets not trying to find out why. One day we just broke, I said things I didn’t mean, and I hope what he said he didn’t mean, but that was last time I saw him. It just ended, like that.”

“Wow.” Clary sounded taken back

“Yeah, so seeing him after 2 years of nothing and trying to move on and heal the wound he left, it just feels like that’s going to be ripped open all over again.” He had only said one word to Alec since seeing him. His name, his full name. Something Alec would only let him do or used to.

Sometimes over the past 2 years he would wonder. Wondered if he tried a little harder to find out what went wrong, to try and apologise after everything, that maybe they’d still be together to this day? Before all that happened that was what he pictured for Alec and himself.

They were so happy once he didn’t think anything could ruin them, but he was wrong as it turned out to be their own selves that ruined their relationship.

His mind liked to wander some days. Thinking of an ideal scenario where he could have Alec back in his life. But now seeing him and feeling everything that came with it, he was wrong. They were too far gone off the deep end to climb their way back. He couldn’t see them finding that connection they once shared again.

“I’m sure Alec will be professional, and maybe you two could even find closure with all this.” Clary shuffled closer squeezing his hand trying to comfort him.

“I don’t know.” He sighed not finding it in him to feel positive about it all. “Can I just pretend nothing happened like we don’t even know each other.”

The look Clary sent him clearly said _yeah not in a hundred years,_ and she was right he couldn’t just ignore this.

“Fine.” He huffed standing from his seat shaking off the jitters. Emotions were stupid anyway, right?

“I’m here in case you need talk, don’t fret.” Clary added.

“Easy for you to say dear, you don’t have an ex-boyfriend working with you who you dated for 5 years.” Of all the situations to find himself in, this was his least favourite by far.

Clary shot him a sympathetic glance. “This is work, we have to be professional.”

“I know, I know. Professionalism is my forte.”

Clary send him a look as in to say _sure_ , laughed and then followed him inside.

 

* * *

 

 

When Magnus disappeared he was thankful, giving him time to try and wrap his brain around this whole mess.

He wasn’t expecting to see him here and on his first day no less.

His day had sufficiently been ruined.

He knew this was going to be awful for him, not only for him but Magnus too. They didn’t exactly leave things on civil terms. Magnus’ last words still engrained in the forefront of his mind.

Would they just pretend like none of that happened? Pretend like everything was okay? That would be easier but that never really worked.

Maybe a part of Alec wanted to resolve things. He hated the way they left things, never meaning a word of what he said to Magnus that night. It was all so heat of the moment that he lost himself in the anger he felt.

He really had no idea how Magnus was going to react, it had been so long maybe he had gotten over it with time. Alec hadn’t, that was probably why all his dates ended with no chance of a second one. Always managing to find excuses not to like them when really their only flaw was not being the one person he longed for. But he couldn’t have Magnus. Not since what happened, too much had been said, too much had been broken.

Just as he was about to pull out his phone and vent to someone about all this Magnus and the red head came walking back in talking amongst themselves. Magnus taking his seat at his desk directly in front of Alec’s “Thanks Clary.” He could have sworn he recognised that name.

“Clary?”

“Yes.” She chirped.

“You wouldn’t happen to know a Simon Lewis? I feel like I have heard him say your name before.” He asked almost certain it was the Clary he always talked about.

 

* * *

 

 

“Uh, yeah actually, we have been friends for years. You know him?”

“Yeah we met after college.” Something stung in Magnus at the thought of Alec finding someone so soon after their break up.

Alec continued. “Well, I meet him through Izzy my sister, they’re dating.”

Magnus didn’t want to admit it, but a rush of relief went through his body. Why was it doing that? He wasn’t allowed to feel these things anymore it had been two years, he had moved on.

“Of course, Oh my god you’re Izzy Lightwoods brother. I don’t know why I didn’t put the two together. It’s nice to finally put a face to the name.” She smiled at him

“So, you two know each other’s friends, cool.” Magnus tried adding feeling oddly out of place between the two.

“It would seem so, yeah.” Clary replied. “We all have to hang out sometime, it would be fun.”

“Yeah, sure.” Alec answered looking unsure.

Magnus shot her a _what the fuck_ look, she was meant to be on his side.

She just shrugged back and walked back to her desk.

Awkward silence fell quickly between the two once Clary left.

“So,” Magnus decided to draw it out longer then needed. “Enjoying your first day?” He’d definitely note that down as the stupidest question he had ever asked.

“Uhm,” Alec paused “Well it only just began so can’t really say.”

Great way to build the already awkward tension between them Magnus thought to himself.

“Right, yeah of course, dumb question well um, yeah okay cool.” What the hell was wrong with him?

 

* * *

 

 

“Wow sounds like you two are going to have some riveting conversations.” Maia laughed as she poured his drink.

“It’s not funny Maia, It’s awful. I can’t stand it and it’s only my first day.” He groaned throwing back the alcohol that was left in his now empty glass. “Izzy, tell her it’s not funny.” He sulked.

“It’s not funny, slightly amusing I guess but kind of sad because you two used to be anything but awkward together.” She shrugged while quickly thanking Maia for her drink.

“Don’t remind me.” It was literally all he could think about. How much they had changed, everything between them felt completely different. He used to feel so comfortable around Magnus, now it was just awkward like they were both trying to avoid the other.

“Maybe you just need to talk to him? Just get it all out in the open and be friends. You guys work together now you aren’t exactly going to be able to hide from him.” Simon made a good point one he had already thought about many times but never acted on it. Where would he even start?

“Maybe, but then what if it just makes it worse. We left things so unresolved I really don’t know If there is any coming back from this. Can I just ignore it?” Alec took another sip of his next drink wishing his brain to just stop for a second. Fuck you Magnus Bane he thought.

“Alec, you just said it. You two left things _unresolved_ so you both need to resolve it. It’s not rocket science buddy.” Was easier said than done.

“I don’t know, I just wish this didn’t happen. I was so excited about this new job and now I have to deal with seeing my ex every day.” He groaned loudly into his hands.

“Alec it’s okay. I know how hard you and Magnus’ break up was for you and I know how it ended, abruptly. Everyone was taken by surprise. Just take a few days to try and think about what you want to do. There’s no need to get into a tail spin about it.” Izzy smiled softly. She was there for him through the rough days after their break up.

“Thanks, Iz.”

“Wise words from a wise woman.” Simon smiled at her looking at her like she hung the sun and the stars. He missed someone looking at him like that.

“So, Clary works there? That’s cool, small world huh.” Simon added.

“Yeah, she seems nice. Her and Magnus seem pretty close.”

“We should all hang out sometime. I haven’t seen her in a while.” He kind of hoped by Simon saying _we_ he meant just with Clary but then he didn’t want to be rude and exclude Magnus.

“Yeah, definitely.” Alec tried to forget the day’s events and just enjoy the time spent with his friends.

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Clary I’m telling you, the man’s chat was worse than I had ever encountered.” Alec walked to his desk where Magnus and Clary were talking to one another.

“Oh, c’mon I’m sure you’re just over exaggerating.” Clary laughed it off.

Alec frowned confused as to what they were talking about. It was a private conversation and knew he shouldn’t listen, but it was hard not to hear them when they were right across from him.

“I’m not. I kept zoning out the whole time he just kept talking about himself the whole time and how he was super rich like I cared if he owned a boat or not.” Alec assumed Magnus had a date?

He had no right to feel jealous so pushed that feeling away quickly.

“I’m sure there will be better dates out there, just chill.” Clary added.

Alec could count on both hands how many dates he had been on in 2 years. Izzy always tried to get him to go on more but never felt the need or want to go on more.

“There’s only so many people you can date before you give up, biscuit.” Alec couldn’t help but wonder if Magnus knew he could hear them.

Clary scoffed hitting his shoulder. “Please, Magnus you act as if you have even tried.”

“It’s not my fault New York is full of uninteresting men and women.” Alec couldn’t help but agree with that.

“Hey Alec.” Clary finally noticed him sitting there.

He smiled up at her and greeted her back.

“I better go before Lydia kills me for distracting you.” She quickly scooted off his desk leaving yet another awkward silence to fall between them.

“So, dating huh?” Alec said although immediately regretted saying it the moment it was out.

Magnus made a face he couldn’t quite decipher. “You heard all that?” His tone was weird, unfriendly.

Feeling defensive Alec bit back. “Was kind of hard not to when your desk is literally right there and it’s not like you two were being quiet.”

“Right.” Magnus raised one of his eyebrows like he didn’t believe him just pissing Alec off even more.

Not wanting to make a scene in the middle of work Alec parroted Magnus back and dropped it.

That small conversation between the two affected Alec for the whole day. It still bothering him why Magnus even reacted like that.

He couldn’t wait for the day to be over.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The next day Magnus walked in with his morning coffee, Alec was already there.

He couldn’t help but notice how tired he looked, tired dark circles under his eyes.

A memory flickered through his mind. Remembering how he would always have to force Alec to sleep before a big test otherwise he would just spend the whole night stressing and tying himself in knots.

Pushing the memory aside he continued to his desk momentarily thinking he could just ignore Alec today and get on with his day, but Alec’s head shot up at the movement.

“Oh, it’s you.” Alec said it normally, but his choice of words was like a slap in the face.

“Yes, it’s me. As you pointed out yesterday my desk _is_ right here.” Magnus mocked seeing the annoyance in Alec’s eyes grow. Alec was an open book, well he was for him anyway. He could always tell how Alec was feeling.

“It’s true what they say, you really do learn something new every day. Like you learning where your desk is.” Alec replied not even looking at him while he said it which only annoyed Magnus more.

“Wow, such the comedian, Alec.” He made sure to put more emphasis on his name.

“Wasn’t trying to be funny.” Alec said back still not looking at him.

Magnus grumbled under his breath, taking a sip of his coffee he tried to just pour himself into his work.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The next couple of the days continued like that. Whenever they talked it would turn into passive aggressive bickering and Alec was sick of it.

They couldn’t continue like this the whole time they worked here, it wasn’t healthy, and it always ruined his mood for the rest of the day.

Magnus wasn’t exactly making it easy though with his snide comments and smart remarks that would only provoke Alec to do it back which he hated but it brought out something ugly in him.

Everyday he’d come in with the intention of trying to talk to him and just squash this stupid thing between them. This wasn’t college anymore this was work, their careers and he didn’t want to ruin either of theirs.

Walking in that morning Magnus wasn’t at his desk yet, which Alec took as a positive only because he had time to try and figure out how to do this.

But when Magnus appeared at his desk slamming down his bag it seemed he was already in a bad mood this morning. “Bad morning?” Alec asked slightly concerned and it must have shown in his voice as Magnus’ eyes softened.

“You could say that.” Magnus sighed sitting at his desk. “Firstly, I was running late from the get go because my stupid cat decided to be sick everywhere, so I was late to the coffee shop and the line was too long for me to stay.” Alec knew how much Magnus loved his morning coffee. “Then some bitch stole my cab and I couldn’t get another one, so I had to walk here.”

“Sounds like quite the morning.” Alec said back an idea springing to mind. Standing up he made his way to the staff room leaving a very confused Magnus in his seat huffing something under his breath.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus was confused. Why ask him about his morning and then just walk off? He had never known Alec to be that rude. Maybe he really had changed.

Muttering to himself he pulled out his laptop ready to get this day over with when out of nowhere a mug of hot coffee appeared at his side.

He practically melted when he saw it was Alec and a sudden wave of guilt came over him for thinking those awful things.

“I know how much you love and need coffee in the morning so,” Alec nervously sat back down at his seat. It was sweet to see that nervous side of Alec again, like he cared.

There was twist in his heart at the memory of them when they both first met. Alec was nervous and constantly fidgeting, even in the early stages of their relationship Alec would always have his shy moments that Magnus would find adorable. He missed that.

Magnus being completely taken by surprise forgot to say something back. “Thank you.” This was the first time they were being nice to each other since Alec started working there and it felt nice? It was tiring holding so much anger towards him. He liked this better.

“It’s okay, I just hope it makes your day somewhat better.” Alec smiled, and Magnus was pretty sure that was the first smile of Alec’s he had seen in over 2 years. His day was already feeling 10 times better.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Things did change between them after that but not in the way Alec had wanted it to. They still didn’t talk much but instead of bickering they just ignored each other like they both didn’t know what to say.

Every time Alec would walk in a room Magnus would leave or vice versa.

Alec guessed it was better than squabbling like teenagers but when he walked into the staff room and Magnus got up immediately where he was eating to leave he knew they couldn’t go on like this, it was ridiculous.

“Magnus,” It came out far softer than he had intended but it worked, and Magnus stopped walking.

“Yes?”

“Sit back down, please.” He asked hoping it didn’t sound too much like a plea.

Magnus looked to be thinking over his offer for a while until he gave in and sat back down.

“Magnus this is stupid.” Alec started, now thinking that probably wasn’t the best choice of words.

“What’s stupid?” He watched Magnus’ eyebrows draw closer in confusion.

“This,” Alec said quickly. “You leaving a room every time I enter one.” He sighed.

“I guess I just feel like you don’t want me in the same room as you, it’s easier that way?” This time Alec was the one who was confused. Had he given off that impression?

“What? Don’t be ridiculous. This is work I’m not that petty.” It came out harsher then he intended and could see the shift in Magnus’ eyes. Shit.

“I didn’t say you were being petty…. but now that you mention it.” Magnus rolled his eyes quickly.

“That’s not what I meant to say, I’m sorry.” Alec tried to recover this wasn’t the way he wanted this to go.

Magnus made a small noise in response like he wasn’t buying it.

“Magnus, stop. I’m trying to say can we be friends or at least civil to the point where one of us doesn’t have to leave the room while eating lunch.” Alec exclaimed feeling frustrated with the whole situation.

“Can we just be nice to each other. I’m tired of the bickering, I’m sick of this weird awkwardness between us. This isn’t us, it isn’t me.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just.” Magnus paused like he was unsure he wanted to say what he was going to next.

“Just what?” Alec prompted.

“It’s just I can’t help but feel on edge around you, and I guess it’s just my defence mechanism to act like that. I’m sorry, Alec.” He missed hearing his full name from him.

“You don’t need to be on the defence with me, not anymore.” Alec started. “And look I played a part in this too, sometimes even instigated it, but I’m just saying I’m tired of it. It’s draining. Can we just pretend it never happened?” He wasn’t sure forgetting their past was as good thing but for now that was the only thing he wanted to do.

“Sure, forgotten.” Magnus smiled at him, but it wasn’t a real smile, it was forced. He knew him well enough to know when it was real or fake.

Alec tried to smile back.

They had talked. Whether it made things better or worse he didn’t know, but he had a feeling it did nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

 

“So, you talked?” Izzy asked as she sat across from him in the booth.

“Yeah? Sorta? I don’t know?” Alec sighed leaning against the soft cushion of his seat. “I did most of the talking I guess, but he agreed?... I think?”

“You think?”

“Yeah well I asked if we could just forget it all and he agreed.” The talk with Magnus was supposed to make things better between them, and for a split second he thought and hoped it did, but something felt off about it all.

“Then why do you sound so hesitant about it all?” Izzy asked as if she could read his mind.

“Just have a feeling. I don’t know how to explain it. When I finished talking it felt like we didn’t really make any progress.”

“What do you expect though? You can’t just expect you two to go back to being best buds like you were back in school. I mean I wish it worked that way, but this will all be a slow process. Neither of you got closure. There’s still feelings involved whether you like it or not.” Well when she put it like that he really had to think about it all.

If he was being honest with himself he never really healed from his break up with Magnus, the scars never getting the chance to close over, not entirely. There was always that _what if_ still lingering, the hurt that still stung when he would think about their fights, the sadness he felt as he watched Magnus walk out the door not knowing that would have been the last time he saw him.

“You’re right. It was stupid for me to think we could get over it all. There’s just too much history. But Izzy,” He paused. “I don’t know if I can do it, it’s draining to be around him like this every day, watching my every word, I just want it to stop.”

“I know it’s going to be hard but just try and be patient and just focus on work. It will all be okay.” He hoped she was right.

 

* * *

 

 

 

1 week had past and things between them seemed to have settled. They were even smiling briefly when they saw each other in the corridor or when they got into work saying quick hello’s before getting to work. And for a while there Alec thought it would be as Izzy said, it would all be okay.

“Staff meeting in 5 minutes Alec.” Magnus appeared at his side pulling him from his thoughts.

“Uh, right, thanks.” Alec smiled briefly before standing up and following everyone to the conference room and taking a seat, waiting like everyone else.

“Hey, everyone I know I don’t normally gather so many of you in one room like this, but we have a special project coming up and It’s something I need volunteers for.” Lydia started, and immediately light chatter spread through the room.

“I guess some would call It a social experiment,” Lydia said making everyone go quiet again. “We want two couples, one of opposite sex, and one of same.” Alec was interested to hear where this was going.

“What we want to do is see what happens when you put two strangers in a couple’s environment and seeing what comes of it. There will be no pressure on the situation as we don’t want it to be forced or unnatural, but the two of you will be living together and doing what normal couples would be doing.” Alec honestly thought that could be a recipe for disaster, but he guessed that’s probably what they were hoping for.

“The project will last 30 days. If you have any questions, please direct them to Clary and she will pass them on to me.” Lydia closed her discussion and answered a few off-hand questions on the spot before disappearing again letting everyone get back to their work.

 

Back at his desk Alec tried to focus on his work as he had no interest in joining that project, but that quickly went out the window when Clary came over leaving him no choice but hear her conversation with Magnus.

“So, Magnus are you going to do it?” She asked.

“Do what?”

“The project Lydia brought up, c’mon it will be fun.”

“Yeah, no thanks, I don’t think I could handle that. I’ve lived by myself for 2 years. I like my space, and my cat.”

“But this could be your chance to make an impression on Lydia.” Alec couldn’t help but take in what Clary was saying, she made a good point. If this whole thing was a success surely it would only make whoever did it go up from there. Alec certainly stored it away for a later thought.

Magnus shrugged but he could see him thinking.

“Okay,” Clary turned to him. “Alec, What about you? Are you going to try?”

Alec shrugged, he really didn’t know to be honest. Normally it was something he would completely by pass and never look back, feeling like he would be way too far out of his comfort zone, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t somewhat intrigued, but decided to keep that to himself. “No, probably not. I don’t do well with strangers.”

Magnus laughed catching Alec by surprise. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just you never were good with strangers. You either tolerated them or just down write hated them.” There was something about Magnus’ tone that held a hint of fondness like he was enjoying the memory, or maybe he was just imaging it?

Magnus’ smile felt contagious as Alec found himself smiling back, a small chuckle escaping him. “Yeah well, some I tolerated more than most.” He couldn’t help but let his smile grow. The shared moment between the both of them feeling foreign but nice.

Until Clary ruined it.

“So, no? Ugh, you two are no fun.” She exclaimed.

She looked like she was going to say something else but got distracted by something else, Alec thanked whatever higher powers that be. He didn’t want to talk about the stupid project anymore.

“Simon!” She squealed running up and knocking him back on his feet.

They exchanged brief hello’s before they moved showing Izzy was behind them.

“Izzy, Simon what are you two doing here?” He asked pleasantly surprised.

“We thought we’d come hang out for lunch. There’s a cute café down the road.” Food sounded better than talking about Lydia’s idea.

“Okay, I’ll just finish up.”

“Magnus, hey. You should come too.” Alec froze. What was Izzy doing? No, bad idea, abort.

“Oh no, I couldn’t intrude. I’m sure you wouldn’t want me there.” Alec would have had to be seriously stupid if he didn’t pick up on who _you_ really meant. He wasn’t wrong. He wanted to enjoy his lunch not feel awkward the whole time.

“What, are you kidding? It will be fun, we haven’t seen each other in ages.”

Right now, Alec wished he had a mute button for his sister.

“Alec, tell him we want him there.” Izzy added catching him completely off guard.

Widening his eyes, he stuttered out a mess of sounds that definitely weren’t even close to words, unless he just discovered a new language only he could understand.

“It’s fine, you lot go have fun.” For a second Alec could have sworn he saw a flicker of sadness over take Magnus’ eyes.

Magnus got up and headed to the staff room leaving 3 pairs of eyes on him.

“What the hell, Alec?”

“What I – I just…. You’re the one who invited him.” He groaned. “What did you want me to say? Oh yeah come out for lunch with us, it will be great, not awkward at all.” He thought he had pretty valid reasons for not wanting Magnus there.

“C’mon though that was pretty mean, even for you.” Simon added.

It was, Simon was right. He didn’t like making anyone feel awful but surely Magnus understood and probably didn’t even want to go himself. They could barely say a few words to each other without feeling the annoying tension between them grow.

“I’m sorry I didn’t want to go to lunch with my ex, okay?”

“Whatever, this is you and Magnus’ problem. I’m hungry.” Izzy rolled her eyes beginning to leave. Clary decided to stay and have lunch with Magnus but the other two followed her out.

“You should totally sign up for the assignment, it’s your chance at writing your first story for the company. I’d do it if I were you.” Simon took a pause from eating to give him his opinion.

“Yeah, I just, I don’t know. I’m not exactly great with new people or any people really.” No one ever really got him. They either found him boring or just dated him for his looks. The only person he ever felt really got him was Magnus, and well he couldn’t have him.

“Maybe it could be a good way for you to work on that?” Izzy added.

“Maybe, or it will just back fire and be the worst mistake of my life.” Wouldn’t that just be great being paired up with his worst nightmare.

“If you always think like that you won’t get anywhere. You’re going to encounter things and people you aren’t going to like in life, but if you never take a risk, you’ll never get where you want to be.” He was ready to prove Izzy wrong, but as he started to take in her words it made sense and as much as he hated to admit it she was right.

“I can literally see you thinking.” Izzy chuckled.

“What do you think he’s thinking about?” Simon asked Izzy as Alec continued to think to himself.

“Probably that I’m right.”

“You’re not always right.” Alec broke his silence. “But you are this time.”

“So, you’re going to do it?” Simon asked.

“Yeah, I think so?” As soon as lunch was over he was going to go put his name in.

He was already dreading it but just kept trying to remember Izzy’s words. He could only go up from here, right?

 

* * *

 

 

The week went by fast, and soon enough everyone was waiting in the conference room waiting and ready to hear who had been selected.

Everyone who had put their name in was there, so when he saw Alec sitting across from him he was shocked. He could have sworn Alec said he wasn’t going to do it.

He calmed himself quickly, looking around the room the chance of he and Alec getting paired together was low, they’d be fine.

Lydia walked in looking like she just wanted to get this over with, so he knew it would be fast. Like a band aid he thought as he crossed his fingers that he either didn’t get put with Alec or better yet didn’t get picked at all. Why did he let Clary talk him into this again?

“I don’t have much time, so let’s just get straight to it.” She started, and the room fell silent. “Couple 1 will be Ryan and Olivia.” Everyone clapped, which Magnus thought was strange. Holding his breath, he prepared himself for Lydia to say the next two names. “Couple 2 is, Magnus,” His breath hitched. Fuck. “And Alec.” Even worse.

This wasn’t happening. What the hell was happening? No, no, no he screamed in his head. There was no way in hell he would survive 30 days with Alec, this was going to be a disaster. Same apartment, same office. They wouldn’t be able to breathe without the other getting annoyed.

This was awful.

“Uh, Lydia I can’t do it with Mag---" Alec jumped up startling everyone.

He was cut off the minute he began.

“If you didn’t want to do it you shouldn’t have put your name in. It’s too late now.” Lydia interrupted before exiting the room leaving no room for discussion.

Everyone filed out of the room except Alec and himself. They both just stayed in their seats, in silence. Great start Magnus couldn’t help but mock in his head.

He had no idea how to break the awful tension, so he just said the first thing that came to his head. “Hey roomie.” The look he got back in return was something else entirely.

 

* * *

 

 

“Fuck sake.” Alec huffed. “I thought you said you weren’t going to do it.” Just his luck he thought. Being paired up with his literal worst nightmare.

“You said the same thing so don’t try and blame this shit storm on me.” Magnus retorted.

“I wasn’t blaming you, I was just asking a question.” He was already tired of Magnus and It hadn’t even been 5 minutes.

“Sure, sure, whatever.” He really didn’t want to start this off with a fight.

“Can you not be petty for one second.” Alec sighed already fighting the frustration he felt.

“Me, petty? I’m not being petty, you were the one who jumped up in front of everyone saying you didn’t want to do it with me, really embarrassing, thanks Alec.” Alec had to fight the roll of his eyes.

“I thought you would have appreciated if I got us out of this? I didn’t mean to embarrass you and you know that.” He just needed a moment alone to process all this but all he was getting was more arguments with Magnus.

“Do I though?”

“Magnus are you serious right now? Can we just drop this?” Alec brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose just wishing this was all a bad dream he could wake up from any minute now.

He gathered from Magnus’ silence he had dropped it?

“What are we going to do?” Alec asked.

“I have an apartment in Brooklyn, it’s pretty close to work and has two bedrooms. You?”

“It doesn’t matter what I have your situation sounds better. Send me your address and I’ll bring my stuff over tonight.” He replied not even having the energy to look at Magnus. He just needed to get out of here, this was too much.

He had no idea how he was going to deal with this, living with an ex. Not just any ex though, it was Magnus and there was still so much bad blood between them like it was all just simmering getting ready to explode.

He knew living with Magnus would just bring up all the old memories, all the unresolved feelings that he tried to put aside for 2 years. He didn’t want to face any of that, it was easier just to ignore it and pretend like it didn’t exist, but now he didn’t have much of a choice but to face it head on.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus didn’t know why he felt nervous waiting for Alec to show up, he guessed it was the unknown and how it would go.

He had run around trying to get his room ready all evening. Even though they didn’t really get along at the best of times it didn’t mean he wanted to make Alec feel unwelcome. That would have just been cruel.

Sitting down on the couch he flicked on the T.V and browsed through his Netflix until he found Brooklyn Nine Nine, the show never failing to put him in a good mood.

Chairman made himself comfy in his lap purring softly, it seemed his dear cat had bad timing as the doorbell rang. Moving his dear cat, he got up and received a meow in protest.

Alec had his hands full of bags. “Here let me help you.” Magnus offered noticing how uncomfortable he looked.

“No, no, it’s fine. Just show me where my room is.” If that’s what he wanted, who was Magnus to protest.

Magnus showed him around his apartment on the way to his room all while noticing Alec struggle with his bags. Why didn’t he just bring a suitcase like a normal person?

Magnus left Alec to it and settled back down on the couch hitting resume on the remote.

“You watch this too?” Alec asked walking over to the single arm chair next to the couch.

“I do, it’s great. It would be rude not to.” Alec chuckled which made Magnus think maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. “You have a favourite?” He asked.

“Oh, definitely Captain Holt or Jake.” Good choices Magnus thought.

“Makes sense.” He laughed. “I’m more for Rosa Diaz.”

“Whenever I watched it I always thought she would be your favourite.” Alec seemed to freak out at his slip of tongue, but Magnus thought it was nice to hear that Alec still thought of him sometimes. Hell, Magnus did.

“I mean how can she not be, she’s a Bi icon, just like me.”

“You’re not wrong.” Alec replied instantly.

“Good to see you’re still as intelligent as ever.” Magnus chuckled feeling pleased when he heard Alec’s in return. “Actually.” He paused. “I might regret that statement, depending on how you answer this.” Alec motioned for him to continue. “Do you ship Jake and Amy?” It was a very important question.

Alec gasped. “Are you kidding!? Of course, I ship them, they’re meant to be.” Magnus couldn’t help but find Alec’s reaction cute.

“Good, I would have hated to take back me saying you were intelligent.” Magnus teased.

“Oh, hello, who are you?” Alec cooed as Chairman made his way over to the tall man.

“That’s Chairman Meow he doesn’t normally take to people easily.” He watched as Chairman jumped straight into Alec’s lap soaking up all the attention. “Hmm, seems to like you though.”

“He’s very cute.” Alec fussed over him petting behind his ears.

They both were Magnus thought, but quickly threw it away.

“When did you get him?” Alec pulled his attention away from his cat for a split second to ask the question.

“A couple months after moving in here.”

“When was that? Alec asked.

“2 months after graduation.” Magnus started to feel the awkward tension they had both encountered over the past few weeks well up again, just at the mere mention of college. A reminder of all their problems.

Yeah, he was wrong, this was going to be awful.

“Oh,” Was all Alec said back in return.

Magnus drew his attention back to the screen trying to block out his thoughts, but his little effort didn’t work. For some annoying reason he couldn’t stop thinking back to said graduation day and how it was one of the worst days of his life. That day was meant to be spent with Alec, celebrating. His heart ached all day as a constant reminder of what he had lost.

He remembers that night, lying in bed while everyone went out, fighting with himself whether to send Alec a text or not. Secretly wishing Alec was doing the same.

It always saddened him how he and Alec ended things, on an argument. Everything still open and up in the air. He can’t even remember who even decided to end it or maybe they both just let it end without speaking a word to the other. All he remembers was the night he walked out that door he never walked back through it.

He spent so many days blaming Alec for their break up, but now when he thinks about it neither of them really fought for it, were they both just too tired to try anymore? Having a relationship in College was harder than either of them ever anticipated. New friends came into the mix, some the other didn’t like. Maybe that’s when it all started to fall apart? They started to find small disagreements between each other and it only grew after that.

So many _what ifs_ still linger in his mind. More often than he would like to admit. What if they were better at communicating? What if instead of ignoring a fight with flowers and make up sex they actually talked about how they were feeling. What if they tried harder to stay together and fight for what they created together. Would it all be different now? Would they still be together?

The thing that made Magnus the saddest about all this was that it never used to be this bad between them, quite the opposite really. He fell in love with his best friend and it was the best feeling he had ever had. Most of their days were spent laughing and joking around or taking small adventures around the city getting the other out of their comfort zone and trying new things together. They were unbreakable, or so he thought.

One of Magnus’ fondest memories he had with Alec was over the summer holidays in their last year of high school. They went on a road trip, it wasn’t long, but it was enough and always held a special place in his heart. It was on that trip he realised just how in love with that man he was and how he would have fought tooth and nail to keep him by his side. But things changed, and he let him slip through his fingers. Life changed, and their relationship suffered.

And now, well now they were here, uncomfortable in each other’s presence sitting on separate couches letting silence fill the air. When all they really needed to do was talk, but that seemed to be something they were both bad at.

“Magnus.”

Blinking his eyes multiple times, he was pulled from his thoughts finding Alec looking at him confused. How long had he been trying to get his attention?

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to bed. Do you want to go into work together tomorrow or separately?” Magnus wondered why Alec found that such an important question.

“Oh, right uh probably together, right?” This was only the first night and he already felt completely drained.

“Right, okay.” Alec smiled but it wasn’t really one. It was one of those tight-lipped ones that never met your eyes.

“Goodnight.” He said back watching Alec walk to his room while he himself lay back on his couch wishing the next 30 days to go by quickly.

They didn’t.

The next morning Magnus woke up and already had found Alec leaving his stuff lying around on the ground. Just like college he couldn’t help but mutter to himself.

“Alec! There is a laundry for a reason, don’t leave your dirty clothes outside the bathroom

“Sorry, I forgot they were there. I went for a run this morning and just headed straight for the shower.” Magnus rolled his eyes, it was too early for this without coffee.

“That’s no excuse the laundry basket is literally in the next room.” He fought every muscle in his body to not turn around and head straight back to bed.

“Magnus, you need to relax it’s only a t-shirt and a towel.” If Alec wanted him to relax he needed to stop talking.

“That’s how it starts. Can you please just be tidy?” Was it too much to ask? He didn’t think so.

“Magnus why are you being like this? I said I was sorry.” Alec tried but Magnus wasn’t really listening.

“Whatever, are you done in there? Because I need to use the shower.”

“Yeah, all yours.” Alec frowned grabbing his clothes and walking off.

The minute Magnus closed the door behind him he dropped his head on the hard frame.

These next 30 days were going to be the longest of his life.

 

* * *

 

 

Walking into work together felt strange, living together felt strange, waking up to Magnus every morning complaining about something was the only thing that didn’t feel strange as that had become his new normal ever since starting his job here.

He felt like he had got himself stuck in this unforgiving pit of pain and bad decisions just going around in circles trying to find a solution only to just give up when it got hard, which wasn’t like him at all.

So, walking into work that morning with Magnus he put on a brave face and just did what he had done the past few weeks, act like this would all pass with time.

“So, how’s the happy couple?” Clary had come accustomed to teasing them every morning.

“Nothing happy about this one, he’s been grumpy the whole morning.” Magnus said as he sat at his desk.

“Excuse me, says the one who is literally always picking at me for absolutely everything.” Alec huffed already feeling annoyed.

“Wow, and I thought I was dramatic.” Magnus laughed but more in a bickering tone. “I do not pick at you for everything.”

“So this morning when I accidentally over filled Chairman’s bowl?” Alec challenged.

“I don’t want him getting over weight.” Alec rolled his eyes; this man was unbelievable.

“And yesterday when I cooked you dinner and did the dishes, but you complained I put them all in the wrong place.”

Clary kept watching, her eyes going back and forth like a pinball machine.

“Well I couldn’t find anything.” Magnus argued.

“Or when I folded the washing and you said I was doing it all wrong?” Alec had plenty more ready to go.

“That one was valid okay, you don’t fold all shirts Alec otherwise they get crinkles that are very hard to get out.” Alec had completely forgotten they were at work at this point.

“Well maybe if you would tell me nicely the first time I would remember not to do it again. I don’t need you breathing down my neck every second like a parent, I moved out of home for exactly that reason.” A small part of Alec felt proud at how offended Magnus looked.

“Don’t compare me to your parents, what the hell, Alec.” Alec shrugged back biting is tongue from saying what he really wanted to.

“Alright, you two stop it.” Clary interrupted reminding Alec of where they were. “Seriously, if I knew it would be non-stop bickering I never would have asked.” Alec suddenly felt very exposed as he started to see people staring at them.

Fuck. They were better than this.

“Magnus, can I talk to you for a second?” Clary gestured for Magnus to follow giving Alec a minute to himself.

* * *

 

 

 

“What is it biscuit?” Magnus sighed dragging his body and sitting on the couch in the staff room.

“What is with you?” She asked.

“Huh?” He had no idea what she was talking about. “What do you mean?”

“That out there.” She pointed in the direction of where Alec was. “That wasn’t you, you would never even blink an eye if someone else did those things. So why are you picking on Alec like that?” Well when she put it like that he couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“He’s just so annoying.” He sulked. “But, you’re right that’s not me. I don’t know what happens I just get so frustrated and it just happens.” He groaned loudly in his hands.

“What I got from that conversation, if you can even call it that, is Alec doing nice gestures for you and you throwing them back in his face. If I was him I would have been way more harsh then what he’s doing.” Magnus had never really looked at it like that.

“Seriously, the dude fed your cat when he didn’t have to. Give the guy a break and be nice back.”

“Fuck.” He was being a dick.

“Yeah,” Clary rolled her eyes. Did he say that out loud? “You two are never going to get along if you keep acting like this.”

He had so many built up feelings towards Alec after their break up that he was taking it out on him in other ways and that wasn’t fair.

“You’re right.” They wouldn’t get anywhere with the way he was acting. He just didn’t know how to stop the same feeling resurfacing every time Alec would do something. “I’m going to go apologise.” He thought that would be a good start.

“Go be the amazing Magnus so many of us know and love.” Clary smiled up at him.

“Thanks for kicking some sense into me.”

“Anytime.”

Walking back out to his desk Alec was still at his desk and hoping not to draw too much attention to themselves he asked if they could go for a chat somewhere.

Finding a quiet spot outside they both sat down.

“Alec, I’m sorry for constantly being at you for everything, I don’t know where it comes from.” Alec wouldn’t look at him and it was driving him mental, but maybe it was a good thing he wasn’t sure if he could bear to see the pain he had caused in his eyes.

“Are you sorry though?” Magnus hadn’t quite realised just how much he had hurt Alec until hearing his voice, tired and exhausted, like he was ready to give up. Something in Magnus told him to not let him.

“I am. I have been over reacting and jumping at you for anything as an excuse to try and prove to myself I still don’t like you.” The minute he let those words out he started to freak out. This stuff scared him, so much so he just wanted to hide from it forever. He didn’t want to open this wound, he wanted it to be locked forever, but had it ever really been closed?

“You hated me?” Alec’s pain was evident in his voice.

“Alec, what no? I never said hate.” Magnus quickly corrected. “The truth is I could never hate you. As much as I have tried over the years to make it easier on myself I just can’t find it in me to ever hate you.” Not knowing what Alec was going to say back was the worst part of all of this.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec laughed but it wasn’t out of humour, it was out of pity for himself.

“Me either.” He said barely above a whisper. “I think you’re right, we are both using different things to latch on to as an excuse to hold this grudge against each other but all we really need to do it talk about it.”

“it being?” As if Magnus didn’t know.

“ _That_ fight, our last fight when we were together.” He knew this was going to be difficult to breach but he was willing to try if Magnus was.

“Alec, we don’t need to talk about that it was a long time ago. We both said things we didn’t mean, well I know I didn’t mean what I said. Let’s just move on from it.”  Alec had a feeling that was going to be the best he would get out of Magnus for now. But he wasn’t done and would bring it up later.

“I didn’t mean what I said either, I’m sorry.” This morning had been so chaotic he felt like going home and falling into bed and never getting up again.

“I’m sorry too.” They exchanged soft smiles before getting up and heading back inside.

It turned out neither of them brought up that conversation again. Alec kept forgetting and by the time he would remember he was too tired to bring it up again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

2 weeks had passed, and they had been going okay.

They still weren’t okay, they could both still sense the underlying issues beneath them. When they had to attend work functions together that was even worse as they had to pretend like everything was rainbows and sunshine, so Lydia didn’t think they were taking this opportunity for granted. They just had to fake their way through it.

So that evening after a long work function of acting like they were best friends, Alec was extremely exhausted and couldn’t be bothered doing anything.

“Alec how are we even going to write this stupid article when all this is done? We are literally just living under the same roof.” Every word that came out of Magnus’ mouth was like a hammer hitting his head, he couldn’t think about this anymore.

“I don’t know, Magnus. We will figure it out eventually.” He mumbled back leaning into the couch.

“Alec we only have 2 weeks left we have to form some sort of plan.”

“I know we do, but not tonight.” Alec groaned growing frustrated. “I’m tired and just sick of all of it so please not now.”

“I’m tired too, but I didn’t realise having to spend time with me was such an awful experience for you.” Alec could hear the hurt in his voice, others may not, but he knew Magnus for 5 years he could hear even the fainted of cracks in his voice.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” He rolled his eyes so far back he wasn’t sure they would come back. “You always have to make every situation about yourself, don’t you?”

“Excuse me,” This time there was no hurt in Magnus’ voice only anger. “I can’t believe you just said that.” Alec thought it best he just stopped talking.  “I can’t be bothered with this, I’m going to bed.”

Once Magnus left he did feel bad, he was just sick of pretending. Sick of walking around acting like he didn’t have any feelings left for Magnus when he clearly still very much did. He was tired of walking around trying to block the ache he still felt in his heart every day with the way they ended things. He was sick of carrying it around weighing him down in everything he does.

Ultimately what was hurting him most was that he wanted Magnus but couldn’t have him and coming to terms with that felt like getting his heart broken all over again.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning when Magnus got up he headed for the kitchen knowing Alec would be out on his run, hoping to get ready while he was still out.

When he reached the kitchen, he saw breakfast already waiting for him on the bench, and it just so happened to be his favourite. French toast.

To the side was a small note.

It read

_I hope this makes up for me being an asshole last night, I’m sorry._

_-Alec_

Magnus couldn’t help but let his smile spread over his face. He remembered.

 

* * *

 

 

The days continued, and they managed to forget whatever fight they had to try and get through the remaining weeks.

Magnus had noticed Alec had been more withdrawn today compared to others, and all though he tried his hardest to tell himself he didn’t care, he did, and always would

He could tell when it was something serious as Alec would withdraw himself from everyone around him and barely speak unless spoken to, something he had been doing all day.

So when they got home from work that day Magnus told him he would cook and take care of everything while Alec went to relax.

He tried thinking of a way to get Alec to smile until he remembered that one time he made his mother’s chicken curry and Alec couldn’t stop raving about it. Hoping he would still like it he started on preparing it.

While making it he had forgotten how much he liked doing these things for Alec. Missing the warm feeling he would get when Alec would smile at him in return.

He missed him. Alec. They may be living under the same roof but that didn’t mean they were the same Magnus and Alec. He missed Alec, every part of him he could see being hidden away, protecting himself from all of this.

Magnus could understand that. If he really let himself feel again and gave his all to Alec he knew he would fall all over again.

“Dinner.” He said smiling as he past Alec his bowl.

Alec went to move to make room, but he looked so comfy, Magnus opted for the arm chair.

He watched for Alec’s reaction feeling pleased when he saw him smile in return.

“Your mums chicken curry.” The way Alec said It like he was reminiscing at the memory did things to his heart.

“I remembered how much you liked it and you’ve been a bit down today, so I hoped It would make you smile.” Magnus felt all giddy inside as he explained to Alec. He hadn’t felt this way around Alec in quite some time and it scared him.

“Thank you, Magnus.” For a split second their eyes met and instead of instantly looking away he wanted to stay and look. He couldn’t remember the last time he really saw Alec’s eyes in all their hazel glory. Even now they weren’t holding the same vibrancy they once did, but they were still the most beautiful he had ever seen.

They ate in silence after that both their minds preoccupied with other thoughts.

Magnus decided to bite the bullet and just go over and ask what was wrong.

Lifting Alec’s legs, he slipped underneath and prepared himself for whatever was about to come.

“Alec, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing really, it’s just this day every year, it’s always a bit hard to get through.” Magnus frowned trying to think what had happened on this day and that’s when it hit him. Today was 3 years since Max passed.

“Alexander, I’m so sorry.” He didn’t even realise he let Alec’s full name slip from his lips. “I should have remembered.”

“Don’t be, it’s okay. I just miss him.” Magnus just wanted to hold Alec in his arms, but he couldn’t and that only tore him apart more.

“I miss him too.” Magnus whispered only because he didn’t feel he had the right to say such a thing after what he and Alec had been through.

“Why aren’t you with your family?” He asked hoping he wasn’t over stepping.

Alec’s only response was a small shoulder shrug and before he knew what was happening his next words were out. “Alec, can I give you hug?”

Alec looked up and Magnus could see his eyes were glassy and masked with unshed tears.

Alec nodded moving his legs from Magnus’ lap.

Magnus moved forward and wrapped in him in his arms letting him rest his head on his shoulder. He hadn’t realised how much he had missed Alec’s touch, missed being close to him. An onslaught of tears made their way to his eyes as his heart hurt.

He could feel Alec crying on his shoulder as he held him, and on instinct he brought him closer.

In this moment there was no fighting there was no stress, there was no wondering what the other was thinking. It was just two men who once loved each other holding the other for support.

Pulling apart slowly Magnus tried to savour the feeling of being close to Alec again knowing he wouldn’t get another chance anytime soon.

As they both sat in front of each other the air around them thick as they tried to soothe their beating hearts. Bringing his hand to Alec’s face he slowly wiped away the last remaining tears. “you okay?”

“Yeah,” Alec nodded his voice croaky from crying. “Thank you for dinner, thank you for everything, but I think I need to go to bed.”

“Of course.” Magnus shuffled from his seat and started cleaning up. “Sweet dreams, Alec.”

“Goodnight, Magnus.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Good morning, Alec. Sleep well?” Alec was greeted the minute he walked into the kitchen

“Uh, as well as to be expected.” He smiled going to get a morning coffee.

“No run this morning?”

“Nah, wasn’t really feeling it.” Last night had been draining for him. Max’s anniversary and everything with Magnus really taking it out of him. He hadn’t felt this emotionally exhausted in so long.

Hugging Magnus brought back everything. When he cried he wasn’t just crying for Max he was crying for their relationship and feeling the loss of Magnus on top of it.

Feeling his warm arms around him holding him tight his heart ached for what it lost and could never get back.

“I get that.” Magnus walked up resting his hand on his upper arm. “You want first shower?”

“Uh, no, no. You go I still need to wake up.” The moment Magnus moved his hand from his arm he already missed the feeling of his fingers lingering on his skin.

Alec sat down trying to pull himself together. His heart shouldn’t be feeling these things, wanting these things. But being like this with Magnus was reminding him of all the beautiful moments they once shared when there was nothing ripping them apart, and he liked it.

* * *

 

 

“I noticed you and Alec seem to be different today?” Clary passed him his coffee. “Did something happen between you two?”

“Not in the way you are probably thinking.” He paused. “Alec was just a little down yesterday, so I tried to be there for him, that’s all I guess.” Magnus smiled thinking back to last night, the first time he had been somewhat close to Alec again. “It was nice.”

“You still love him, don’t you?” Magnus was taken back by the question.

“What? No, no, no, no. We’re just friends.” He stuttered.

Clary humoured him. “I didn’t ask if you were friends, I asked if you are still in love with him?”

“Well, technically you said _do you still love him,_ and the answer is yes, I will always love Alec as a person he was a large part of my life for a long time. Whether I’m _in love_ with him, well that’s another thing entirely which I don’t think I can answer right now.” Only because he was afraid of what the answer would be.

“Don’t look at me like that biscuit.” He shoved her playfully as he felt a blush crawl up his cheeks.

“Hey, I’m not looking at you like anything.” She laughed holding her hands up.

He only had one more week of this he could get through it.

 

* * *

 

 

Later that night they were both sitting on the couch, Chairman snuggled in his lap. Ever since moving in with Magnus he had grown very attached to the little fluff ball.

They hadn’t done much that night other than eat dinner and watch tv. It was relaxing and nice for once to have a peaceful night.

“Hey, Alec.” Magnus hummed.

Alec turned his head for Magnus to continue.

“Do you want to go out for dinner on Friday?” Alec wasn’t expecting that, and in all honesty, he was confused by the offer and what it really meant.

“Uh, just the two of us?” He asked feeling unsure.

“Yeah, I think it could be nice. Maybe try put all this behind us once and for all.” Alec could see the glimmer of hope in Magnus’ eyes, he really wanted to try this time.

“Unless you don’t want to.” Magnus added shifting nervously in his seat.

Alec decided to put the man out of his misery and answer. “Yeah, that’d be nice.” The last time he and Magnus had planned to go out to dinner…. Well, he didn’t like to think about that time.

The smile he got back was something he hadn’t seen from Magnus in a long time. It reached his eyes.

Those eyes that used to look back at him holding every ounce of love. Sometimes he wished he still saw that same look but knew that was too much to wish for.

“I look forward to it.”

“Me too,” And this time he really believed him.

* * *

 

 

“So, he asked you out for dinner?” Maia asked as she scooted in next to him in the booth.

“Yeah, on Friday.”

“Is this a good thing?” Simon asked.

Alec really didn’t know what he thought. All he knew was that he felt nervous.

“I guess?” He replied watching all three faces look back at him. “What?”

“You don’t exactly sound like you’ve convinced yourself.” Izzy answered.

“It’s not that, it’s just, I can’t stop thinking about how badly it could go. Plus, the last time we had planned to go out for dinner it didn’t end very well.” Alec hated even mentioning it bringing so much torment with it.

“What why?” Maia asked.

“Because, the last time we were meant to go out for dinner was the last time I saw him.” All three of them made _oh_ faces.

“I see, well I’m sure this time can’t go any worse. It’s not like you two could break up again.” Simon tried but it didn’t really have the affect he was going for.

“What!?” Simon exclaimed when he got two very disapproving looks from Izzy and Maia.

“Nothing.” Izzy rolled her eyes.

“We only have a week left of this anyway, so soon it will go back to how it was before anyway.” As Alec said that he couldn’t help but think he didn’t really want it to go back to how it was before. He liked being this close with Magnus.

A part of him even thought he would miss Magnus when he moves out and back into his place. He’d miss the smell of sandalwood that would always linger in the bathroom after Magnus showered. He’d miss cuddling with Chairman on the couch. He’d miss sharing meals with Magnus, catching small smiles here and there. He’d miss getting coffee with him in the mornings on the way to work. He’d miss _him_.

He really was screwed.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He and Magnus walked home from work that day. He had been nervous the whole day, when really, he didn’t have any reason to be nervous, right?

It was dinner, just the two of them nothing to distract them like they did at Magnus’ apartment. That’s what was making him anxious. If it went bad, everyone would be able to tell as they had nowhere to hide.

Trying to force his thoughts to stay at bay he tried to focus on the little positives that there were. Magnus wanted to spend time with him, that was a good start.

“Our reservation is at 7, that okay?” Magnus’ voice brought him out of his daze.

“Huh? What, yeah, that’s good.”

“Alec.” Magnus stopped walking.

Turning around he saw Magnus staring back with a concerned expression.

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you want to do this? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Magnus genuinely looked worried and there was something he hadn’t seen in his eyes since they reconnected, vulnerability.

“No, I do. I really do, it’s just.” He paused sighing.

Magnus walked closer. “Just what?” He prompted placing his hand on his arm.

“I don’t want it to be weird.” Saying it out loud sounded stupid.

“Why would it be weird?” Magnus wasn’t offended, just curious.

“I mean we haven’t exactly had an easy past couple of months.” Alec couldn’t help but laugh as that was an understatement.

Magnus laughed back. “You could say that.” He paused, closing the distance between them. “But that’s why I want to do it.” He smiled, and it made all his worries wash away. “I’m not going to lie and tell you I haven’t missed you over the past two years, because the truth is, I have, a lot.” This wasn’t where he thought the conversation was going but he liked how it gave him a small flutter in his stomach, something he hadn’t felt in a while, from anyone.

“I don’t like the way things ended between us and I’d like to just start fresh and be friends. Proper friends.” Magnus chuckled. “None of that _let’s be friends but not really_ stuff.”

“I’d really like that.”

Magnus smiled at him again lifting his hand to his cheek making Alec’s heart jump. “I’ve missed you, Alexander.” Alec had to try and relax his beating heart as his breath hitched hearing his full name slip from Magnus’ lips. Closing his eyes, he leaned into Magnus’ touch enjoying the small moment they were sharing.

“I’ve missed you too.” He whispered as he opened his eyes to see Magnus staring back at him.

Their eye’s lingered on each other as time slowly passed by, until something furry was at his feet bringing him back down to earth.

“Hey buddy, you hungry?” Alec broke the silence scooping up Chairman in his arms.

“Probably, he’s always hungry, but don’t over feed him.” Magnus teased.

“Oh never, wouldn’t want you yelling at me for that again.” Alec teased back quickly having to dodge a cushion coming his way. “Whoa, whoa, I’m holding the baby.”

Magnus snorted coming closer. “I was aiming for your face, I’d never hit Chairman.”

“So, aiming for my face is alright?” Alec laughed

“Of course, it was only a cushion, it’s not like I’d do anything to harm that pretty face of yours.” Alec scoffed at Magnus’ response this man was ridiculous.

“Go have a shower or something, you’re starting to annoy me.” Alec shoved him playfully

“Actually, I do need one so thank you for reminding me.” Alec shook his head as Magnus walked away, he was laughing but couldn’t help but feel like he just got whiplash from all the emotions he just went through.

* * *

 

 

It was an hour before they were meant to leave, and Magnus had only just started getting ready whereas Alec had been ready 30 minutes ago. Somethings never really changed

But when Magnus came out of his bedroom still in the same clothes he was in before he knew something wasn’t going to go as plan. That same awful feeling he used to get in College surged through his veins.

“I’m sure Alec won’t mind, it will be fun. See you soon.” Not being able to stop the anger bubbling away under his skin his mood completely switched. All the times Magnus used to do this when they were together came flooding back and the feeling that came with it. Always changing their plans and not telling Alec, always feeling like he had no say when it came to those things in their relationship.

“Hey Alec, Clary invited us to Simon’s gig tonight. I said we would go. We can just reschedule dinner, that all good?” He couldn’t help the laughter spilling from his mouth although there was nothing humorous about his tone.

“You act like I had a say in it in the first place.” Alec mocked.

“What the hell, Alec? It’s just dinner, I don’t know why you’re so upset.” He wasn’t upset he was annoyed. “It’s not like it’s a date.” He knew it wasn’t a date, but those words stung coming out of nowhere like that.

“I know it’s not a date. Trust me, a date with you is the last thing I want right now.” Alec bit back surprising himself with his own words.

“Geez Alec, don’t hold back.” Magnus snorted. “Tell me what you really think. I can see you wanting to, go for it.” Magnus was provoking him, and he knew exactly how, but he didn’t want to give into it knowing he would say something he wouldn’t mean but the other part of his brain was over taking. The part telling him to finally get it out there and say how he had felt these past 2 years, he had been holding so much back he couldn’t keep it in anymore.

“You want to know what I really think? Okay, fine.” Alec paused trying to stop himself from shaking.

“You always did this in college any chance you got you would be changing our plans whenever a friend came along with a better offer. It would make me feel like you just brought me along for the sake of it because I was your boyfriend, but I never felt like I was wanted there, I always felt like I was the outcast, mocked and judged and whenever I told you about it you would just laugh it off and tell me I was being stupid.” Alec stopped briefly trying to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. “You’re the reason we broke up. You put others before us, our relationship, especially _her_.” Instantly regretting his last two words the second he said them.

“Are you being serious? You’re going to blame all our relationships problems on me? Don’t even try to blame that on me, I remember a large part of it being your fault, if not more. I wasn’t the one who started to withdraw acting strange and jealous over some stupid girl when you had no reason to.” Alec had to laugh out of pure rage not knowing how else to react

“You’re joking right? She made it so clear she was interested in you, everyone could see it, but whenever I tried to talk to you about it you told me she wasn’t and that I was just being insecure and maybe I was being insecure but that’s how the whole situation made me feel. So, sorry if I felt like protecting myself by withdrawing myself from the whole thing because I was fucking terrified to get my heart obliterated by you.” His hands were shaking at this point.

 “It got to the point where I didn’t even tell you she was messaging me, every night you and your friends would go out making sure I knew you two were together without me, always rubbing it in my face. Do you know how that would make me feel?” He choked back a sob. “It made me feel like I was the someone on the side. I just needed some reassurance every now and then and I’m sorry if that annoyed you, but I just wanted you to see how I was feeling, but you never did. I just wanted my boyfriend back.”

“And I just wanted you to trust me, the fact you would even think I would ever cheat on you is disgusting.” Magnus retorted.

“I did trust you, it was her I didn’t trust, and for good reason!” Alec yelled growing even more frustrated.

“I don’t even know why you brought her up in the first place. She didn’t break us up, Alec. I wasn’t friends with her for more than a couple of months. Only we are to blame for ourselves falling apart.” Magnus clearly wasn’t getting it.

“I know she didn’t break us up but that’s when it all started. When the cracks started to appear. I thought after she was out of the picture things would go back to normal, and they did, but not for long. You still ditched me any chance you could for your other friends. I still felt second best, like you were bored of me.” His whole body felt tense and uncomfortable as the conversation continued. “You knew I had been planning that dinner for a month and how much I wanted to spend that night with you, but that didn’t stop you from putting yourself and your friends before me and cancelling.”

“Alec you never talked to me about this, how was I meant to know? You can’t just expect me to read your mind and know how you were feeling. I know you said I didn’t listen, but I can’t even remember you bringing anything like this up.” Alec could feel a headache coming on from all the yelling and stress circling his body.

“A part of me just hoped you’d see how it was affecting me, hoped you’d care.”

“So, basically you’re saying I was an awful boyfriend who didn’t give a shit about you? Well great, good to know what you really think, Alec.”

“I never said you were an awful boyfriend, stop doing that! Stop putting words in my mouth.” Alec groaned growing sick of going around in circles. “You’re never going to get it, I knew we could never do this, you’re so frustrating.”

“Last I checked you’re the one who lost it over us going to a gig instead of dinner. I thought a gig could be fun, an ice breaker since you were so worried about it just being us two, but whatever.” Magnus went to walk away but stopped half way, Alec wished he just kept walking he was sick of all it. “You know maybe if you _tried_ to talk to me about all this back then or tried to explain it better instead of being butt hurt and fighting with me all the time, it could have gone differently. But you’re right it was silly of me to think we could ever be friends when you are always going to hold this over me.”

“What!?” Alec found a new burst of adrenaline. “I did try! So many times. But you never listened at the very beginning so why would I try and waste my breath on someone who clearly didn’t care about me.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it, Alec.” Magnus rolled his eyes. “I’m done with this conversation. I take it you aren’t coming tonight?”

“No,”

“Good.”

Alec fought to hold himself together not wanting to show just how shattered he felt. He held himself together until the very last second. The moment Magnus shut the door and left the tears fell breaking the dam inside him.

It felt like that night all over again.

 

* * *

 

Magnus wasn’t even sure why he even went out after the fight he just had with Alec, he wasn’t in the mood to do anything.

His mind was a mess, not being able to think about anything but what Alec had said, the words just playing on repeat. How did they let things get so bad between them?

Walking into the bar Magnus had to fight every muscle in his body screaming at him to run back out and go home, but it was too late, Izzy had already seen him.

“Magnus, hey. Where’s Alec?” She asked as she pulled him in for a hug which just felt wrong considering how he just left things with her brother.

“Wasn’t feeling like coming, so only me.” He put on his best smile faking his way through the night. No one else needed to be brought into their drama.

“Oh, okay that sucks, tell him we miss him when you go home.”

“Will do,” Magnus put on is best fake persona and managed to make it through the night without too many questions.

Arriving home that night felt awful walking back into the lounge the remnants of their argument still lingering in the air. How were they going to come back from this?

* * *

 

 

 

The next day wasn’t much better, the apartment airily quiet as they both kept to themselves the whole day. Alec spent most of his day in his room while Magnus tried to distract himself with TV, but they couldn’t ignore each other all day. Not because he wanted to but because they had a work function that they both had to attend.

So, finding whatever strength he had left he got up and knocked on Alec’s door already dreading the moment he opened it.

Alec looked tired like he hadn’t slept at all. His eyes were puffy and red breaking Magnus’ heart seeing him this way. This wasn’t what he wanted, seeing Alec this way was never what he wanted. He missed the light in his eyes he once saw, but were now clouded over with so much torment, more his own then anyone else’s.

“Uh,” He said quickly breaking himself from his harrowing thoughts “I just wanted to remind you we have that work function tonight.”

“I know,” Magnus barely recognised Alec’s voice, he had never heard it so broken. Did he do that to him?

“Okay, I’ll see you out here at 6:30 then?”

“Yup.” And before Magnus got the chance to say anything else the only thing staring back at him was the door.

* * *

 

 

The whole car ride to their office building was so quiet you’d be able to hear a pin drop.

He didn’t feel like doing anything today, not after yesterday and definitely not with Magnus. He didn’t know how Magnus could act like everything was fine but then again maybe he never cared in the first place and Alec was a fool for thinking otherwise.

Ever since they left the apartment he had this gut wrenching feeling in his stomach like he couldn’t relax no matter what he did. He didn’t want to do this, but not just this, everything. Everything to do with Magnus and this stupid project, everything to do with this stupid function, not wanting to see so many unfamiliar faces, not wanting to do anything. The more he worked himself up the worse he felt.

When the car pulled over he felt like he was going to be sick.

“Alec, are you okay?” Magnus asked concern written all over his face.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He lied. “Let’s just get this over with.” Hoping the feeling would just go away within time. It didn’t.

The whole night it continued to twist in his stomach only getting worse every time someone came up to them to talk. The more he had to pretend the more he wanted to scream and disappear at the same time. The only thing he could focus on was Magnus talking at his side to someone he had never seen before. He could have sworn Clary was here too but had disappeared amongst the crowd.

Everything started to feel dizzy the longer he tried to push it away, his chest starting to try and grasp on to any air it could. Desperately needing to sit down he scanned the room for a chair not being able to find one.

Pulling himself from Magnus he went in search of the nearest bathroom his heart thumping in his chest. It felt like minutes before he stumbled into one quickly closing the door behind him. Falling to the ground he pulled his legs to his chest trying to calm his now laboured breathing, but it hurt whenever he tried, making his chest constrict harder. Shaking with fear he couldn’t find a way to make it stop.

His heart was racing a mile a minute, his lungs struggling for air, tears streaming down his face, he was a mess. Nothing or Anyone was there to relax him, he was all on his own, alone, making it worse.

Just as he felt like he was about to faint there was a knock on the door startling him.

“Alec,” Fuck, it was Magnus. “You’ve been gone for a while, is everything okay?” All Alec wanted to do was cry out for him to help him, but he couldn’t find any words amongst his rushed breaths

“Alec, please I can hear you struggling to breathe. Let me in.” The panic in Magnus’ voice only made him cry harder.

“Alexander, please.” Finding what strength he had left, he leaned up unlocking the door.

Magnus was immediately at his side. “Alec, you need to slow your breathing.”

“I’m trying.” His voice strained, more tears falling.

“Alec, darling just look at me, okay.” He didn’t want to but did it anyway hoping something, anything would help. “Just keep looking at me.” Magnus cradled both his hands around his face slowly caressing down his cheek with his thumb finding comfort in the touch.

He kept looking at Magnus but didn’t know where to look his eyes just scanning his face over and over again. Growing frustrated with himself he shook his head angrily. “Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay, just take your time.”

“Magnus,” His voice broke. “Please don’t go.”

“I’m not, I’m staying right here.” Alec could see Magnus’ own eyes start to well up.

“You promise?” His voice as fragile as a piece of glass.

“Yes, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.” Magnus smiled back a tear or two escaping his eyes.

“Alec, take a deep breath with me.” Alec tried to follow Magnus’ lead and it worked for the first couple of times, until his mind started to slip again.

“I can’t, I can’t.” He tried moving out of Magnus’ grasp, but he only brought him closer holding him in his arms providing him with warmth he didn’t know he was seeking. The warmth he lost 2 years ago.

Closing his eyes, he found himself melting into his body hearing the steady beat of his heart beneath his ear making his own start to relax. Feeling his chest rise up and down slowly his mind stopped spinning. Reality slowly coming back to him and hitting him in full force.

“Why did you leave?” He asked his eyes foggy with tears.

Magnus frowned down at him. “I didn’t leave, I’m right here.” Wiping at his tears.

“No, not now. Back then.” He paused still catching his breath. “That night, why did you leave? Why did you never come back?” He asked the one question that had only been on his mind since that night 2 years ago. Why did he leave and never come back? Why did they let it end that way? Why didn’t it work?

“Alec I—” Magnus stuttered his own voice thick with tears. “I wanted to come back, badly. But I thought you didn’t want me to. I- I’m sorry.” Magnus pulled him closer.

“Of course, I wanted you to come back. Just because we fought didn’t mean I wanted to lose you forever. If I knew you were never going to come back through those doors I would have stopped you. You were the love of my life and still are.” Alec sniffled trying to calm himself. “We were together for 5 years and we just let it end like it was nothing. I---”

Sitting up he saw Magnus wasn’t in a much better state then he was. “It wasn’t nothing to me, you must know that. I always regretted the way we left things. I missed you every day I wasn’t with you.”

“Then why didn’t we fight for us? Why did we just let it happen?”

“I don’t know.” Magnus sighed, holding so much remorse.

“I thought I wasn’t good enough for you anymore.” He still remembers feeling sick to his stomach every night for a month breaking down almost every night clinging to one of Magnus’ old hoodies just wishing it was him instead.

“Alexander, you were always enough for me. I loved you with everything I had and I’m sorry I let you down. It kills me inside to know you were hurting and I wasn’t there when you needed me. I should have been better. You were the most important person to me and I shouldn’t have taken what we had, our love, you for granted. Please, don’t ever think you were not enough. You were all I ever wanted.”

Silence fell between them as tears continued to fall. The air around them thick with every emotion they possessed.

“I was planning on proposing that night, things had been going well, and I knew couples had their rough patches and that you were the only one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but when you cancelled I just lost it. That’s why I was so upset, that’s why I got so angry.” He hadn’t planned on telling anyone that, ever. Not even Izzy but he felt everything needed to be out on the table If they were ever going to move on.

He still had the ring in his night stand at home.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“What?” Magnus whispered his breath taken from him. Tears started to form again. He was going to propose?

“I had planned it all for a month. I even picked out the ring myself.” Magnus had no idea what to say, feeling completely speechless. “And then you left and never came back. I almost threw that ring away so many times, but I never could because it felt like that was when I’d finally be over you, and well, I’m not.”

Magnus couldn’t think clearly, surely this was all dream.

“Alec, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I’m the biggest idiot for ever letting you go.” He really let the love of his life slip through his fingers.

“You’re not.” Alec laughed through his tears. “We both are.”

Magnus shuffled closer reaching for his hands. “No, no I am. You are all I had ever wanted in my life. You came into my life when I needed you but never stopped to do the same in return and in doing so I lost the one person I have ever loved. I was so blinded by our fights I couldn’t see what was staring back at me, you.” He whispered grazing the back of his fingers over Alec’s cheek bone.

Alec shook his head. “You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not.” Magnus said quickly not wanting to hold anything back, wanting to put his heart out there for the first time in 2 years. “I know I have acted immature these past 2 months and I wish I had a better explanation for it then I was just trying to avoid how I really felt, and me taking that out on you wasn’t fair in the slightest. I just couldn’t figure out how to talk to you without feeling this hole in my heart, so I just pushed it, and you away.”

“Living with you these past 4 weeks has only shown me how much I really do still care for you, no matter how hard I try to push it away I still feel the same urge I did 3 years ago to protect you and love you, I still feel my heart belonging to you. I’m sorry for my stupid comments and I’m sorry for not trying to work this out sooner. I should have told you how I felt the minute you sat down at your desk on your first day. My mind was always telling me one thing but my mouth saying something completely different.”

“But now I’m saying exactly what I want to.” He wiped at the eyes. “Alexander, I’m still hopelessly in love with you and I don’t think I ever stopped. I’m sorry for everything, you deserved so much better than me.”

Alec didn’t respond for what felt like forever adding to his stress.

“You don’t have to say anythi---”

And before he knew what was happening Alec’s lips were on his and he was kissing back with the same amount of intensity.

It was like these past 2 years he had been stumbling, trying to find his way home, and now he had, here in Alec’s arms.

Their lips moved together slow and sweet, trying to savour the feel of his soft lips against his.

Completely losing himself to the kiss and being back in Alec’s arms, abandoning all hesitation he followed Alec’s lips as he moved away. Letting a small chuckle slip his lips before they were back on his. Tears still trailing down his face as he kissed back harder, he had him back and was never letting go again.

Pulling apart slowly after what felt like hours he tried to calm his breathing, his mind a mess. But the only thing he cared about right now was Alec, and how he was feeling.

Wiping away each other’s tears Magnus smiled back at Alec feeling the happiest he had in a while. He finally got his Alexander back.

“Do you want to go home?” He asked running his fingers through Alec’s hair briefly getting a proper view of his face and seeing just how tired he was.

“Yes, please.” Alec whispered his voice fragile, the nights event’s really taking a toll on both of them.

“Let’s go.” Magnus leaned forward quickly kissing Alec again before standing and offering his hand to Alec.

On their way out, they bumped into Clary, but Magnus could tell Alec didn’t want her to see him like this so quickly said their goodbyes before disappearing to his car and taking them home.

Entering his apartment, they moved straight to the couch both sighing as they let their bodies relax.

“It’s still early do you want to order some food?” Magnus offered.

“Yes, that’d be nice, thank you.” Magnus couldn’t help but notice how exhausted Alec was, he could barely keep his eyes open.

“I’m thinking pizza?” Alec nodded in agreement.

“You wait right here, I’ll be back in a minute.” Making is way to the kitchen he grabbed his phone ordering the pizza.

Once off the phone Magnus couldn’t help but worry about Alec after such an awful panic attack like that and hoped making him a hot cup of tea might help. He remembered Alec used to always have a specific one in college whenever he got too stressed. Green tea with a teaspoon of honey, if he was being honest he never really saw the appeal being not much of a tea drinker himself, but Alec always used to love them.

When he walked back into the lounge Alec had his head resting back against the couch, his eyes closed, and Magnus couldn’t help but admire the sight now that he could.

Magnus walked forward lightly kissing Alec on the forehead. “I made you a drink.” He smiled. “Hopefully it helps you calm down a bit after your panic attack.”

Alec peeled his eyes open slowly happily reaching for the mug. “You remembered.”

“Of course I remembered, I’ll always remember.” Magnus sat back down getting comfy next to Alec.

“Magnus,”

“Yes?”

“I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I want to try this again, me and you.” Magnus couldn’t fight the smile that over took him.

“I’d love that Alexander,” Shuffling closer to Alec he kissed him quickly before nestling into his side. “I’d love nothing more.”

It fell silent for a few minutes both just enjoying the peaceful calm between them, the soft brush of Alec’s fingers trailing up down his arm making him sleepy.

“I love you.” Alec broke the silence making Magnus’ breath hitch. He really had the love of his life back.

He felt completely content here in Alec’s arms. “I love you too,” He smiled as he let the words pass through his lips tilting his head up to meet Alec’s gaze. Finding their lips in yet another gentle tender kiss.

“Hey, Magnus.” Alec said in a questioning tone as they pulled apart.

“Yes, darling?”

“What are we going to do about the project? What are we going to write for piece?” Magnus hadn’t even thought about that.

“We write the truth.” He smiled to himself. “That not all Love is lost forever.”

 

* * *

 

 

**_3 years later_ **

3 years had gone by quickly but had been the best of his life. Having Magnus back everything felt perfect again.

Waking up he rolled over wrapping his arms around his husband who was still sleeping peacefully and decided to let him while he still could.

Every morning he would wake with a smile on his face finding happiness in every little moment shared with him.

Magnus stirred in his sleep slowly stretching as he woke rolling where he was to face Alec. “Good morning, sweetheart.” Magnus leaned over for a kiss.

“Baby, no. Morning breath.” Alec said quickly moving his head leaving a disapproving look on his husband’s face.

“We have been married 1 and a half years, I don’t care about you morning breath, Alexander.” He could have sworn he saw Magnus pout.

“You should.”

Magnus groaned. “Fine.” He sighed pretending to roll back over but quickly moved in on an unsuspecting Alec catching him by surprise and stealing a quick kiss.

“Happy now?” Alec chuckled.

“Very.” Magnus smiled back proudly.

Alec laughed at his husband’s antics. “Come here.” He said pulling Magnus in and wrapping his arms around him. “What you want to do today?”

“We could go shopping there is still a few things I’d like to buy for—” but before he could finish that sentence loud cries broke through the baby monitor sitting on the bedside table. “I’ll get her.” Magnus smiled while getting out of bed to go grab their daughter.

Ruby Amalia Lightwood-Bane. They had had her a week and have been in love since the word go.

“I’ll go make a bottle.” He said following and leaving bed to go to the kitchen.

Magnus walked in not a moment later holding their little bundle of sunshine, or at least she would be once fed and burped.

Passing him the bottle after it had cooled enough the room soon fell silent as her cries filtered out and started to drink.

“I could look at her all day.” Magnus hummed sounding completely mesmerized by their daughter.

Alec came up behind him resting is chin on his shoulder, thinking how he could also do the same. He’d never grow tired of watching their little girl grow.

“She’s perfect.” He said looking over her delicate features. Her beautiful amber eyes staring up at both of them as she sucked at the bottle. Her little button nose wrinkling whenever she was uncomfortable. Her dark chocolate brown hair perfectly shaping around her face.

“That she is.” Magnus agreed. “As I was saying before, I want to buy a few more things for her room.”

“We can do that, I wouldn’t mind buying some more clothes for her no doubt she will grow out of these ones in two weeks’ time.” Magnus turned his head up towards him. “What?”

“You and clothes shopping? What happened?” Magnus chuckled.

“Just because I don’t like shopping for myself doesn’t mean I don’t like shopping for our little girl. Plus, it’s winter we need to get her warmer clothes.” He shrugged back.

“Okay, once she’s fed and changed I’ll get her ready.”

“I’ll go get a start on breakfast.” He quickly kissed his cheek.

“Best husband ever.” Magnus hummed.

“Love you too,” Alec chuckled leaving Magnus and Ruby alone, only looking forward too many more mornings like this one.

 

~ _End_

**Author's Note:**

> Love you Malee <3 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated <3


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